May. 13th, 2009

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Life, according to me.

An ongoing record of twisted life lessons acquired the hard way.


01                Read a book at least twice a month. While there are books out there that will probably not enhance your intellectual knowledge, you certainly won’t lose any brain cells while reading. I can’t promise you the same thing while watching Jackass, no matter how entertaining the value of sticking a bar of dynamite in your rear might be.


02                While selective hearing is always handy for those days you just don’t want to bother with anyone, including your spouse, try to remember to turn off the jamming signal when your kids are around. Because when your mind decides to suddenly allow the ‘mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy’ litany to burst into your head, you’ll lose your cool way faster than you’ve ever thought possible.


03                Tiny dogs equipped with barks that can cause cerebral hemorrhaging are aberrations of evil. Avoid them. Or eat them, depending on your preference; I suggest marjoram and curry.


04                Try to smile at someone you hate. They will probably spend their whole day trying to figure out why you looked insanely pleased with yourself and waste their evening trying to find the pin in their tires.


05                Life is not a box of chocolates. No matter how good that movie is, you cannot convince me of any kind of wisdom in that. Because honestly? Honestly? I look at the little chart packed in a box of chocolate, and I never even pick something whose content I am not absolutely sure. How about: Life is a like a goddamn wheel of fortune; you’ll mostly get crap, but once in a while you’ll get lucky.


06                Why, why, why do infomercials turn me into a slavering zombie whenever I pause more than ten seconds on those god-awful channels at six O’clock in the morning?? Is it the fatigue? Is it the lack of other more entertaining shows at this time? Is it a scientific, Pavlovian response?? What is it? WHAT?!!  Because logically, my brain KNOWS it does not want a Shamwow and that it will probably go into a dusty, dark corner of the everything-drawer. But I want a Shamwow because, dude, it sucks cola OUT of the CARPET.


07                Why do we freak out over a spider, but have no problem whatsoever with the prospect of keeping this around as a companion?


08                People think I hate cats. That is not so. I have a cat. He is, in fact, a great cat who cuddles me, kisses me, curls up with me to sleep and talks to me endlessly. It just took me fourteen cats to get to this one, and I hated nearly all of them. I’m pretty sure they hated me just as passionately. Mysty, Mincy, Catnip, Mittens, Boris, Mr Funfuzz, Lucy, Catterz, Trublemaker, Catington, Molly, Furz, Tattoo and Claw, I will not miss your collective psychosis.

As a sidenote, the cat pictured above is my very own Truble, who was Molly's son and Trublemaker and Boris' brother.  Boris went on to live with a friend, and the other two were given to other owners due to their endearing psychotic behavior ... oh look, they like to gouge things!.  But Truble is a sweetheart.


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